Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
