I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
