Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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