I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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