you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
