I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
