Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I love having hate sex.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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