Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
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just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
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Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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