im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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