WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize