ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
