My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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