you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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