Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
