I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
