In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
