well I can't set my house on fire every night
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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