i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
