Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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