I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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