Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
