I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
