why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
