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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying

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• (407): View more from Florida

  I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises

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• (909): View more from California

  I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it

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• (915): View more from Texas

  Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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  These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it

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• (952): View more from Minnesota

  I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

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• (281): View more from Texas

  Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.

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• (214): View more from Texas

  Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?

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  21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn

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• (574): View more from Indiana

  You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.

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• (205): View more from Alabama

  It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.

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• (720): View more from Colorado

  I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Flo's in town, ain't she.

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• (310): View more from California

  The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.

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• (309): View more from Illinois

  Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me

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