i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.