At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router