my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
