I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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