All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
