I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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