Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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