I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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