I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
