i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
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a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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