i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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