Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
