I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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