Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize