I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
