My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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