Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
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Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
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And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.