fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
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He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
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Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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