well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.