so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
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He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
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I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.