What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection