Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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