I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's shark week go big or go home
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
