I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
