Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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