You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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