I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
