just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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