if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
smell my finger.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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