and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
