what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
