I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
