its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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