You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
