paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life