The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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