I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"