I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
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Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
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My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"