I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
