Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize