you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
