Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
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Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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