Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he shaved USA in his pubs
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
