i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
