Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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