I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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