Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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